What to Say to the Family

This is something I have struggled with. I want to say something, but I feel awkward.  It can be especially difficult when you don’t know the family or they don’t know you. The circumstances of the departed can increase the clumsy feelings when you greet the loved ones.

I have been on both sides, not knowing what to say or receiving words meant to comfort.  I have heard all of the clichés: they’re in a better place, it all happened for a reason, it was God’s will, or they’re in heaven now. While these words are meant to comfort, they often don’t. Most of us have dealt with loss in our life, but the pain we feel on the inside is unique.

When speaking with the family, use common sense and discretion. Don’t make it about you. Remember, you’re trying to offer comfort to someone who may be struggling to keep it together. Let them know you’re sorry for their loss. It’s okay to talk about the departed, but be kind – if you thought the person was a jerk don’t use this time to express it. Say something nice about the deceased or simply say you’re sorry.

I’ve always found it particularly difficult when attending the visitation of a co-worker. You may be meeting the spouse and family for the first time, and they don’t know who you are.

If you don’t know the family, introduce yourself. Let them know how you knew their loved one, “I’m _, I worked with _, he was a great person and will be missed.” Offer a hand shake or, if appropriate, a hug. Just being there to pay your respect will be appreciated by the family, as they will know the person they lost was loved. They may not remember you or that you were there, but they will remember that they were not alone.

I have actually had this experience when I attended the visitation of a co-worker who had died. I had never met his wife and I didn’t know what I was going to say. I told her who I was and that I had worked with her husband and that he would be missed. She began to cry. Needless to say I felt terrible, and always felt I said something wrong.  But a few years later I met the widow at co-worker’s house, I told her that I felt terrible that I made her cry. I was assured that it was okay; she remembered me but not what I said.

When attending a memorial or visitation, we want to offer words of comfort but find ourselves at a loss. It’s important to remember to be respectful. If you have a fond or a funny memory, share it – maybe you’ll miss the person’s gift for storytelling or his or her contagious laughter. You can talk about a unique quality of the person or just say how much you will miss them. When in doubt just keep it simple by letting the family know how sorry you are for their loss.