Funeral Etiquette
Whether it’s the visitation or wake; the funeral or memorial service; the burial; or the reception, etiquette is important. Do I need to attend all of these rituals? What should I say to the friends and family of the deceased? What should I wear? Should I send flowers?
Here’s a guide to help you know what to do, how to act, and what to say at a time when you may be at a loss.
Should I attend the visitation or wake?
The visitation or wake is a time to pay your respects to the deceased and express your sympathy and support to the bereaved. Many people choose to attend the visitation or wake for closure and to say goodbye to a loved one. Details about whether the visitation or wake will be public or private will be published in the obituary, and knowing these details will help determine if you should attend.
Tips for Etiquette
A visitation or wake can last for several hours, but you aren’t expected to stay the whole time. Most visitors will come and go throughout the duration of the gathering. The immediate family of the deceased will likely be there the entire time, but distant relatives, friends and acquaintances are not obligated to be. Once you arrive, extend your condolences to the family and feel free to visit with the other mourners, sharing memories of the deceased and supporting each other. Introduce yourself if you are not well known to the family and friends of the deceased. On your way out, remember to sign your name in the guest book.
Should I attend the funeral or memorial service?
Whether or not to attend depends on your relationship to the deceased and the family. If the bereaved or deceased is a close family member or friend, you should attend the funeral. However, if you live far away and finances are an issue, or if you are dealing with health concerns, your absence will be understandable. In place of your attendance, gestures such as sending a card to the bereaved, calling the bereaved to offer condolences, or sending floral arrangement to the service will allow you to be with them in spirit. If you have a less close relationship with the deceased or the bereaved, attending the service is optional. Instead, you may want to send a card expressing your condolences or even send flowers to the site of the service.
Tips for Etiquette
Arrive at the church or location of the service at least 15 minutes before it is expected to begin as to avoid arriving late and disrupting the ceremony. If you happen to arrive late, wait outside or enter quietly through the back. The first few rows of seating will be reserved for close family and friends, so keep that in mind when settling in. If there are songs, prayers or opportunities to speak, feel free to participate if you feel comfortable to do so.
Should I attend the burial?
Many times the burial is on the same day as the funeral or memorial service, usually immediately following. If this is the case, all attendees are asked to attend. If the burial takes place on another day, it is likely that only the close relatives and friends of the deceased will attend.
Tips for Etiquette
If the burial takes place immediately following the service and all attendees are invited to attend, make your way to the burial site by foot or car (if it’s at some other location). If you are in the funeral procession, wait in your car to be directed where to go. When you arrive, it’s important to be quiet and respectful as this can be very emotional for many.
Should I attend the reception?
The family often invites the attendees to join them for a reception directly following the services. The reception may take place at the location of the service, another venue nearby, or sometimes the family’s home. The reception gives everyone a chance to talk and relax a little, and usually involves food and beverages.
Tips for Etiquette
If the reception is immediately after the service you attended, it’s a nice gesture to go if you are able. The environment is usually more relaxed and lighthearted, and it’s a good opportunity to talk with anyone you didn’t have a chance to. The reception typically won’t last long so stop by, have a bite to eat, and talk with the other mourners before heading on your way.
Should I bring my children?
If your children are related to or knew the deceased well, it’s appropriate to bring them to any and all of the services. Sometimes young children may not understand what is going on and may be frightened at the sight of the body during the wake or visitation, so bringing them is up to you and their comfort level. It might be a good idea to talk with them beforehand and explain the process if they have not experienced a death before.
Tips for Etiquette
Explain to your children beforehand how the services will run. Remind them that it’s a solemn time and to be respectful. If you have infant children with you, take them outside of the service if they start to get fussy.
What should I say to the bereaved?
Finding the right words to say to the bereaved can be hard. You want to say something, but you’re afraid to say the “wrong” thing or upset someone further. You may feel that anything you say is insignificant because it won’t take away the pain or bring the loved one back.
Read our article, What to Say to the Family, for additional tips.
Should I send flowers?
Sending flowers is a nice gesture but entirely up to you. Before you do, make sure you read the obituary. Often times it will request that you make a donation to a charity indicated “in lieu of flowers.” Again, sending flowers is your choice. Sending bereavement floral arrangements as an expression of sympathy are always appreciated and add beauty to the service.
What should I wear?
It’s best to dress conservatively and avoid overly casual clothing. After all, you are there to show respect to the deceased and the bereaved, so it’s appropriate to choose an outfit that is dressier than your everyday attire. And no, you do not have to wear all black! A helpful tip when deciding what to wear is to imagine what you would wear to a job interview or church service.
Read our article, What to Wear to a Funeral, for more advice.
