6 Ways to Avoid Family Conflict

Who will inherit mom’s grandfather clock when she dies? In a perfect world, a loved one’s assets will be distributed among family and/or friends according to the deceased’s wishes. But what happens if those wishes are not spelled out and clearly communicated?

Sadly, most people haven’t “gotten around” to preparing a will or any other end-of-life planning document. When an unexpected illness or death occurs, grief and disagreements can turn a once close family into a fragmented family that doesn’t speak to one another for years to come.

But family can get through it and come out the other end intact. Modern Loss offers six ways to avoid family conflict.

1. Forget about being “right.” It’s possible that a loved one shared different wishes with other family members. Unless you have written documentation, be open to all points of view.
2. The word “fair” doesn’t exist. Ask 10 people what fair is and you’ll likely get 10 different answers. Because the concept of “fair” varies from person to person, it’s nearly impossible to win an argument if others believe differently than you.
3. Be clear about your objectives. Everyone involved should think about what outcome they are pursuing. Consider the long-term impact on family and whether it will be worth the consequences.
4. Avoid the family narrative trap. When you find yourself seeing present-day actions as a confirmation of something that is “always” true about someone (e.g., “brother should get X, because mom always made sure he…”), take a step back and remind yourself to stay collaborative.
5. Go for consensus, not a win. Make sure everyone feels included and heard. If everyone feels respected and they had a chance to contribute, it goes a long way.
6. Get help. Settling an estate without clear instructions from the deceased is a complicated, emotional minefield. There are a number of professional resources available to help families work through the process.

One of the worst tragedies in the process of settling a loved one’s estate is family who – years after the death – are barely talking because of fights over “stuff.” Recording all the important information your loved ones will need into a My Life & Wishes account can help families avoid the situation before it happens. And our planning center offers numerous end-of-life resources to help guide you and your family on what to do when a family member dies including what to record, legal documents that should be prepared – even how to talk about end-of-life planning.